A Series of Jasper Moments
by Jessica Lauren
Summary: Humorous Jasper moments xD
1. The Day Jasper & Alice Showed Up

**I am currently writing Chapter 12 of second chances and i get bored easily., so i decided to write this to entertain myself.**

**JasperPOV**

Oh god. If I could commit suicide right now, I would. Hold on… don't I have matches in my back pocket? Or did I use them all trying to burn that little pixie last night? I can't remember, even though I should. I'm getting a fricking headache due to all these emotions everywhere. Why do _people_ have to be so dramatic and emotional? Vampires aren't supposed to get headaches, so why the freaking hell can't my power protect me from headaches as well? I want to back to my hole. It was the hole I dug for myself to hide from the evils of God and how much he hates me.

My anger wasn't helping. Either was the pixie. I loved her more than human blood, of course, but she was one of the tiny little, hyperactive girls that could honestly make slow and painful torture sound pleasant. Right now, I wished Maria could have eaten me that night instead of changing me into a vampire. God damn that witch of a vampire.

"Jasper, stop being a god damned emo," Alice, my spiky black haired pixie called from ten feet in front of me. "You're downing my happy vibe."

"I don't think anyone could get your happy vibe down to zero, pixie," I called back to her. I was glad she didn't make us walk through the town, seeming I had barely any self control and Alice was a relatively new vampire. So we hiked through the gloomy forest, with the pixie taking the lead. She was the one who could see the future, so she probably could see herself studying a map in the future as well. She said she saw this vampire coven with strange ochre eyes. Apparently they only hunted animals. Uck, animals! What the hell? Human wannabes… And they call themselves vampires.

God I'm making myself thirsty now. Life is so unfair sometimes. I wish I would come across my singer then no one would be able to blame for drinking human blood. I swear if I had a mirror right now, my eyes would look like I had bits of coal stuck in them. God damned me with a freaking sore throat and venom!

"What did I just say Jasper? I know you want to find _la tua cantante_ but that human will come to you. You will never be to find him or her. Now, cool it… You're drooling." The pixie was walking backwards, staring at me with piercing eyes. Her eyes were a dark ochre color with a red tinge around the pupil. Sometimes I wished I could be as perfect as the pixie and be able to love her the way she deserved, instead of having this ever growing jealousy. I wiped the back of my hand over my mouth quickly, preventing any further cases of embarrassment.

God hates me, I know he does. The pixie is right; I should stop being an emo. It was only two years ago when I met her she totally freaked me out. I ran straight out of the diner and hid an attic for the rest of the day until she found me again. She explained everything. She knew that God hated me, or to make it sound a bit more polite she said, '_I know you hate having to drink human blood but I know vampires who don't_'. Translation: '_I know God hates you. He makes you thirsty for human blood and bloodlust. But I know vampires who God likes, and by hanging with them, God might start to like you again._'

"I swear I'm going to rip you to shreds and burn you someday pixie," I hissed at her.

The pixie shrugged, "And even then my happy vibe won't die. I haunt you for the rest of forever. There's no way you're getting rid of me that easy."

I sighed, taking an unnecessary breath once again.

"Now, Major Jasper Whitlock, we're almost there. You will not be a depressed emo freak around these nice vampires. Just because you find it harder than I because of your past"- Here we go again. The polite way of saying God hates me all over again-"Straighten up and send a happy vibe through yourself and me."

I clenched my teeth I sent a wave of lust at Alice. Ha! Served the pixie right!

She glared at me as she ran over to the nearest tree, wrapped her leg around it and began bobbing up and down.

I burst out laughing. The perfect happy vibe.

"I'm going to get you, you bastard!" she panted. I roared with laughter even more.

"Okay, I'm sorry pixie," I sent a 'happy vibe' through myself and her. She unhooked herself from the tree and walked slowly over to me. Her clasped loosely behind her back and her eyes innocent. I suddenly felt sorry for her, for about half a second. The next thing I knew, her tiny fist whacked my cheek and slammed into the tree behind me.

"When I saw me punching you like that in the future…" she giggled. "You have no idea how awesome that felt, Jazzy."

I sighed, grabbed her legs and threw her over my back, "And you tell me to play nice." I hissed into her ear playfully. She giggled and she pathetically thumped at my back trying to get down.

"Let me down!" she said in between spasms of giggles. I ignored her completely as I walked into a clearing.

It was perfect, circular meadow in the middle of the forest. I could hear the stream bubbling from here. We must be close to water. I dumped the pixie in a patch of freesias and lay next to her, my hands behind my head.

"We shouldn't be knocking at six in the morning pixie. We should wait to a decent hour," I said as I stared at Alice's confused expression. It practically screamed, '_they are vampire for crying out loud! Of course they'd be awake!'_

"I don't care. I was brought up a nineteenth century gentleman."

"I wonder what happened to that dear gentleman…" she muttered, trying to get at me.

"God ate him." I answered absently then cracked a smile at the stupidity of my answer. The pixie giggled and curled up beside me, turning me on my side and then wrapped my arms around her. She was still for a long moment, her eyes were closed. She looked like a sleep angel.

"We can't sleep," I whispered, shocked at Alice.

"I know we can't. But seeing the future is like dreaming and I get so caught up in the future sometimes, it almost feels like I'm asleep."

"You must get bad déjà vu," I chuckled and stroked her spiky hair.

"I do," she giggled. "Now, let me _sleep_, dear Jasper."

***

Can these _nice _vampires be _any_ more conspicuous? I mean… a big pink house in the middle of woods is a nice way of settling in… if you wanted to draw attention to yourself. "Human wannabes," I muttered under my breath as I followed the pixie up the steps. I felt very stupid all the sudden. I could almost imagine what the pixie was going to say as soon as someone answered the door.

Why the hell are they staying near La Push anyway? I should have never have listened to my Uncle Willy. He wasn't even my uncle! He was just my father's best friend. He was Native American and he told me lots of the old legends. The ones that struck my attention the most were the Quileute legends. Dear old Willy was completely drunk by that point, so he went against the '_rules_' when he told me. Sadly, old Willy died of a sudden heart attack the next day. I didn't plan on telling anyone about the werewolves, in case God decided it was time to burn me.

Hoquiam is a lovely place… for a vampire to settle in. The humans don't smell that bad anyway. I could get used to this life I think.

Alice rung the doorbell once and stepped back. A tallish man in his early twenties answered the door. The pixie grinned widely at him and then two women, one was a pretty, motherly brunette and the other was a sexy, leggy beautiful blonde. Oh yay, we were going to be bunking with a pimp and his whores. Whoopie.

"Hello," Alice chimed. The blonde female scrutinized her then me. Alice ignored her completely. She obviously didn't like strangers. "I am Alice and this is my…"-she looked at me for a moment-"Jasper."

"How can I be of service Alice and…" the blonde man stared me up and down. He could see all my battle scars from the good old days… God damn Peter and Charlotte for being so… angelic. "Jasper?"

"We would like to join your _family_ of five, Carlisle." Alice grinned at him like he was an old friend. However, it was obvious in the blonde male's face that he'd never seen her before in his life.

"I suppose you have heard of me and my family before then?" Carlisle was hiding his shock behind a carefully composed mask. He wasn't expecting Alice to know his name or exactly how members were in his family. He probably thought Alice was a big stalker, or something.

"I feel as if I already know you all," she grinned even wider. "I want Edward's room by the way. His room has the nicest view."

The sexy blonde female snarled at Alice. I pushed her behind me and growled in warning back at the blonde. She saw my scars and retreated back. Woo! Jasper one, blondie zero.

"What the-? Who the hell do you think you are?" Blondie yelled at Alice and then turned to Carlisle. "They can't move in here! The blonde one looks like he has been through hell and the little thinks she knows it all!"

"Jeez, calm down Rose," Alice looked up at me. I knew that look. Smart pixie… she knew that look could get me to change the mood. I spread a wave a calm through the house and then sent a wave of self-rejection at blondie. She deserved it for snarling at my pixie. Only I had permission to snarl and threaten the pixie. The pixie was mine!

Blondie shivered once as she looked at herself through a mirror. She ran off into another room, her face in her hands, crying tearless sobs. Woo, she was a dramatic sexy leggy blondie! Oh, I can't wait to take the piss out of her. Jasper two, blondie zero.

"Do you know all our names?" Carlisle looked scared at the creepy little pixie standing beside me.

Alice nodded, "You're Carlisle Cullen, the creator of this coven. That is your wife, Esme Anne Platt Evenson Cullen and you have one _adopted _daughter and two _adopted_ sons, Rosalie Lillian Hale, Emmett McCarty Cullen and Edward Anthony Masen Cullen."

"Alice stop scaring them," I finally found the guts to speak. I stared at the vampire before me, "This little freak has the ability to see the future, which is how she knows everything about this family. She is only thirty years into this life and she cannot remember her human life or her change. I am able to feel and change the emotions in a room, that was why _Rosalie _huffed off there and you and Esme suddenly felt very calm."

The pixie closed her eyes for a second, "We only have…" she opened her eyes again. "Twenty minutes until Edward and Emmett come back. I want Edward's room!" she started bouncing up and down in impatience.

I stared at Carlisle apologetically. He chuckled then looked at his wife. Her head bobbed up and down eagerly. He smiled at us, "You are very welcome to move in with us, Alice and Jasper." Alice squealed with delight and wrapped her arms around Carlisle's waist. She hugged him tight; I could see it in his face. He laughed, "Welcome to the family."

"I suppose you will need a hand clearing out Edward's room," Esme offered. Her voice was calm and motherly with just a hint deviousness in it. I liked her. I already thought of her as a mother. Alice squealed again and wrapped her arms around Esme this time. I could feel the love and happiness radiate from Esme. It made me smile.

The next twenty minutes were hilarious. We managed to dump all of Edward's things in the garage and Rosalie let Alice have some of her old room decorations and furniture. By the time it was finished, the room was painted the colours of twilight. Alice was quite an artist. She painted the whole room with such care and perfection; it just made me want to hold her. But of course I didn't. Rose and I had an argument over what kind of lights we should wire into the ceiling. Alice had painted the ceiling blue so she decided we should wire little white lights into the ceiling to make them look like stars. There was a black leather sofa in the centre of the room along with two matching chairs. The curtains had been replaced with blackout curtains.

***

I heard the door slam shut from downstairs. I looked over at Alice who giggled hysterically and then hid in the closet in the hall, pulling me and Esme in with her. I was wondering if Esme and the pixie were related. They both were pretty devious… and evil. "What's the plan pixie?" I asked her in a military voice.

The pixie closed her eyes for a second, "We throw eggs at our target. Ammo, Mom." The pixie looked up at Esme. She passed her three eggs to pass onto me. We were soon loaded with eggs, three in each of our hands.

"Don't think about anything, Edward is a mind reader." Esme warned us quietly.

Edward walked up the hall and we launched our attack.


	2. Discontinued

This story has been discontinued due to my lack of interest in twilight. I would be very happy to let another person to continue this fanfic for me, and this will be removed when/if I get another to continue it on my behalf. If you are interested, please email me: .uk. Thanks :)


	3. Yay :

This story is now being continued by Twichild369. Please click here for the link to their profile. 


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